i havent posted a derma update in a while and i kinda just need to get it out anyway
i’ve fallen back into old habits over the past month or so, i don’t know whether that is because of assignment stress or just because i was never really going to beat this thing at all but i am very disappointed in myself that i’m back where i was before the therapy
even as i’m typing this i’ll stop and scan my skin while i just take a second to think of the next thing to say. i attacked my face yesterday and when i was at uni i could get away with it a little easier because my door could be locked and people didn’t have to see, but back at home it is harder especially because my family know what to look for now.
i got that age old ‘advice’ from my nan. ‘just try not to pick, babe’. i understand people want to help, but that never ever will.
the thing is i can see just how far i’ve come since cbt. before then having bare arms in public was a fantastical idea that stressed me out and yet now i barely wear cardigan and i’m more than comfortable to have my arms out. i learned that people aren’t looking, even though i was sure they were. and now if people look i don’t care. being able to say that is something i never thought i would be able to do but it comes so naturally now.
this sudden body confidence was helped a great deal by the friends i made at university. i started going clubbing without tights on, something i thought i honestly would never do. and they never stopped supporting me and just making me feel normal. they don’t even properly know about my derma, they were just being really great friends and without that i would have crumbled back to who i used to be.
part of me wants to prove that i don’t need to do this anymore. i’m at a point in my life now where being comfortable with who i am is coming more naturally, i don’t hate myself and i actually like who i am. but there is always this little shadow that never leaves my mind and it is really fucking with me now. i don’t want to be this way, i know i will never stop having this, if there is one thing the cbt taught me it was that this is with me forever. but i need to control it. i have someone who i care about now and the thought that i wouldn’t share myself with them because of this fucking preoccupation with my skin is something i always wanted to get away from. i know that my body is just a body, that everything on it is natural and i can like it or lump it but no matter how many times i tell myself that i still scan and i still pick and i still bleed and then the guilt comes.
i can do this. i know i can. and for all of the derma sufferers who i follow and who follow me, you can do it too. and even after typing that i scanned my neck and picked at nothing. i’m better than this, i deserve better than how i am treating myself right now. stop it.
almost started picking again because of low mood
fuck, i just want to crawl up into a ball and sleep forever
so my latest exercise for my cbt treatment is to write my own epitaph
because nothing screams psychological aid like imagining yourself dead
but the whole process is actually working, i would definitely urge people with dermatillomania to at least try it out, especially if the treatment is offered free of charge
it’s working for me, it may well work for you too
Haven’t slept so decided to get ready early
In derma news I’ve managed to almost completely stop picking my face and it’s clearing up something rotten, so that’s very promising, the cbt is starting to help even in these early stages, now for the rest of my skin to go in the same fashion
things are actually going pretty okay right now, my arms are healing up and i haven’t had a full blown attack in maybe a week and a half/2 weeks
pretty darn happy about that
In shallow graves upon my skin,
A thousand seeds mock me.
I wage a hopeless war against them,
I destroy myself daily, taking things out in order to be whole.
The hours I’ve spent hurting myself seem endless,
They are certainly fruitless.
I’ve learned to love to hate myself
After years of people doing it for me.
The Scottish queen went mad over a blemish unseen,
Mine sent me mad a long time ago,
Yet they are visible to all.
Unable to stop, I punish myself, in hopes of becoming beautiful.
having derma sucks in general, but especially in fucking spring/summer
all i want to do is not wear a cardigan/long sleeves while it’s roasting outside
fuck fuck fuck
it’s my first day of work tomorrow and i’ve tore my face to pieces
why do i do this to myself?
just had my phone assessment from the therapist
she said i was classified as having moderate to severe depression going by the answers i had given
i should be meeting face to face with my therapist in 8 to 10 weeks which isn’t the best right now as i’ve recently gotten extremely down
she told me to ask my doctor for prozac though, here’s to hoping this works
i’m well on my way to getting okay
i wish i could start over again with my skin
i wish i didn’t have to do everything in my power not to pick and still fail to stop myself
i have to stop
so i couldn’t make it through the day without picking
the satisfaction i felt after picking gave way to the realisation of my inability to stop
deciding to try and not pick for a whole day
chose a bad day as its one of my open days and i’m nervous and i’m supposed to be going to a party but i really can’t be bothered
oh well, here goes nothing
just had a picking session in the bathroom, didn’t last long
laying into my chin when i heard a scratching at the window
at a window where there are no trees or any type of object to explain the scratching
heard it; said ‘yep’ and quickly retreated to my bedroom
jack bauer will keep me safe
about to go outside for the first time in a full week (awesome i know) and my skin is fucked. because i haven’t been out i went to town on my face and now its basically one large scab, my arms and chest are bad but they are always covered up so no worries there.
i’m going to the aquarium so i’m hoping people will be looking at the pretty fish and badass sharks rather than my chewed up countenance, that’s be shaweet.
i’m far too excited for the aquarium though, i haven’t been since i was about 13 and it reminds me of spending time with my dad
in writing news i have had an epiphany regarding my novel, a completely redesigned story line and characters and i can’t wait to start writing properly but now i have forty five minutes to make myself look human. weheyyyy