Valar Morghulis

i havent posted a derma update in a while and i kinda just need to get it out anyway

i’ve fallen back into old habits over the past month or so, i don’t know whether that is because of assignment stress or just because i was never really going to beat this thing at all but i am very disappointed in myself that i’m back where i was before the therapy

even as i’m typing this i’ll stop and scan my skin while i just take a second to think of the next thing to say. i attacked my face yesterday and when i was at uni i could get away with it a little easier because my door could be locked and people didn’t have to see, but back at home it is harder especially because my family know what to look for now. 

i got that age old ‘advice’ from my nan. ‘just try not to pick, babe’. i understand people want to help, but that never ever will.

the thing is i can see just how far i’ve come since cbt. before then having bare arms in public was a fantastical idea that stressed me out and yet now i barely wear cardigan and i’m more than comfortable to have my arms out. i learned that people aren’t looking, even though i was sure they were. and now if people look i don’t care. being able to say that is something i never thought i would be able to do but it comes so naturally now. 

this sudden body confidence was helped a great deal by the friends i made at university. i started going clubbing without tights on, something i thought i honestly would never do. and they never stopped supporting me and just making me feel normal. they don’t even properly know about my derma, they were just being really great friends and without that i would have crumbled back to who i used to be.

part of me wants to prove that i don’t need to do this anymore. i’m at a point in my life now where being comfortable with who i am is coming more naturally, i don’t hate myself and i actually like who i am. but there is always this little shadow that never leaves my mind and it is really fucking with me now. i don’t want to be this way, i know i will never stop having this, if there is one thing the cbt taught me it was that this is with me forever. but i need to control it. i have someone who i care about now and the thought that i wouldn’t share myself with them because of this fucking preoccupation with my skin is something i always wanted to get away from. i know that my body is just a body, that everything on it is natural and i can like it or lump it but no matter how many times i tell myself that i still scan and i still pick and i still bleed and then the guilt comes.

i can do this. i know i can. and for all of the derma sufferers who i follow and who follow me, you can do it too. and even after typing that i scanned my neck and picked at nothing. i’m better than this, i deserve better than how i am treating myself right now. stop it. 

so my latest exercise for my cbt treatment is to write my own epitaph

because nothing screams psychological aid like imagining yourself dead 

but the whole process is actually working, i would definitely urge people with dermatillomania to at least try it out, especially if the treatment is offered free of charge

it’s working for me, it may well work for you too 

Haven’t slept so decided to get ready early

In derma news I’ve managed to almost completely stop picking my face and it’s clearing up something rotten, so that’s very promising, the cbt is starting to help even in these early stages, now for the rest of my skin to go in the same fashion

derma update;

things are actually going pretty okay right now, my arms are healing up and i haven’t had a full blown attack in maybe a week and a half/2 weeks

pretty darn happy about that

In shallow graves upon my skin,
A thousand seeds mock me.
I wage a hopeless war against them,
I destroy myself daily, taking things out in order to be whole.

The hours I’ve spent hurting myself seem endless,
They are certainly fruitless.
I’ve learned to love to hate myself
After years of people doing it for me.

The Scottish queen went mad over a blemish unseen,
Mine sent me mad a long time ago,
Yet they are visible to all.
Unable to stop, I punish myself, in hopes of becoming beautiful.
 

having derma sucks in general, but especially in fucking spring/summer

all i want to do is not wear a cardigan/long sleeves while it’s roasting outside

fuck

fuck fuck fuck

it’s my first day of work tomorrow and i’ve tore my face to pieces

why do i do this to myself?

i wish i could start over again with my skin

i wish i didn’t have to do everything in my power not to pick and still fail to stop myself

i have to stop

ive been contemplating whether or not to put this on here but this is my personal blog type thing so there is no reason not to

i have dermatillomania, i think only four people in my life know about it, and the only one who truly knows is my mother

i have been referred to a therapist because a doctor doesn’t think i am depressed but thinks i have terribly low self esteem

i dont think of what i do as self harm, its something i have done for years now, at one point i didnt even think it was abnormal, i thought everyone did it. ive fucked my skin up horribly, i look disgusting and cant see why another person would look past that about me

when i think about stopping there is a voice in the back of my head telling me it helps me, that i dont need to stop because, well whats the harm? and it kills me that i think like this

i feel like i need someone to talk to, not some therapist who doesnt understand. when i told my doctor what i do and what i think it may be, he practically told me i was deluded and that the condition is non existent. my skin and scars say otherwise

i need someone who has been through what im dealing with, someone who is going through it now, someone i can vent to and who can vent to me

its wishful thinking right now but some day i want to be comfortable with the skin i have and the body that is mine but to do that i have to stop this.